I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
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