Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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