I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
