cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
