I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
My breasts were aching with rage.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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