I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize