my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
