There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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