i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
