No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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