ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Help. Why am I so naked?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
