someone get that fucking seahorse.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
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