Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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