2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Sext me about skeletons
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
