Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
