i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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