Betty ford says i'm here all night
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
