I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Randomize
