Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
