I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
