Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
