I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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