I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
