When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
