You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
