No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
