coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
