I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
