Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize