Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
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