Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize