I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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