I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
