I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
