Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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