The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
as a side note pls kill me
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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