I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
There's even glitter on my cock...
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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