i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
