I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
Randomize
