So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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