put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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