I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
