I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
