I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
