If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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