My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
