so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
