Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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