i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
