Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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