i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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