Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
