well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
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