I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
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