i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
