Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
