I got chris browned last night
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Randomize
