The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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