you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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