just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize
