dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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