R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
