I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
Randomize
