One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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