i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
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