I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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