Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
