I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I fill condoms, not promises.
I can't turn off my feet"
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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